Well, what do you know, I found a couple of topics ripe for combining - getting me ALMOST caught up in this challenge. And furthermore, the reason I'm a bit behind relates to the topics. So here we go.
The world I live in on a daily basis skews the concept of time and defines and prioritizes work in interesting ways. We slot activities and chores into hours between work and sleep until we find ourselves running from one thing to another with no time for reflection and no room for feeling. Time is money. Time flies. The early bird gets the worm. We spend a large part of our days and weeks working, either at a job that brings in a paycheck or running a household and raising kids or both, and when we clock out we don't disconnect. We stay accessible to troubleshoot, solve problems, make contact, plan and schedule. For our kids, we define their work as school and sports and music and scouts and any other educational activity we can think of. When we heat up and start to flame out, we reclaim a few hours "downtime" and make do and for the kids that downtime often means screen time of one sort or another.
My kids have had a fun summer. One trip to West Texas to stay with grandma, 4 camps, one trip to Six Flags, a couple of waterpark adventures, bowling, ice skating, most of the new release movies, swimming, the aquarium, ice cream Sundae School, the arcade, Wicked, the circus, and the requisite back to school shopping. And we've had more "do nothing" time this summer than usual. That's sad to me. Things have changed and they cannot leave on their bicycles in the morning and come home after dark full of non-parental adventures. It just isn't safe. And while I view most things from my childhood through a pretty realistic lens - I do idealize the long lazy summer days spent at leisure. And for the first summer in 3 years, I have truly enjoyed some down time. A few weeks of no obligations to school or job. But come the end of August, all of that will change quickly.
The work we do carries weight and import. I'm excited about venturing out into a new season in my life doing something I love and helping people along the way. My children enjoy school. My husband loves to be a techno-geek. We find value and fulfillment in our work. But when work consumes all our time, priorities need to be checked. Because there is value to time spent as a family. Value to time spent simply being. Value to time used to play and laugh and create and feel. Time to read. Time to write. Time to sit and breath.
It's easy to say we value these things. But harder to actually commit the time. I don't want to feel like I am missing out on a learning opportunity or a chance to advance. I don't want my kids to feel like they are missing out on participating in something they might love or be talented at. We watch our friends encourage their children to high levels of athletic and artistic endeavors that take tremendous dedication and time - they obviously value those activities - and we feel compelled to keep up with the Jones. And we lose track of other things we value.
September and the start of school always marks the "new year" for me. My internal calendar revolves around the rhythm of school bells. The calendar already attests to the ease with which I fall into a schedule that prioritizes work - for the grownups and the kids. So - besides work - here's a list of ten things I value highly - and my new year's resolution is to put my time where my mouth is - because the only way to truly value something is to invest some time.
I value:
1. Rest
2. Eating healthy
3. Time together as a family
4. Time alone
5. Time with my spouse
6. Friendship
7. Writing
8. Reflection
9. Nature
10. Creativity
Most of these things are not compatible with a packed schedule and constant running. I have a color coded calendar. I think I will add a special color for these things I value - as a visual reminder to slot out some time.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Thursday, July 29, 2010
July "I Believe" Challenge - Day 27: Spirituality
The entire content of this blog peels back the layers of what I believe about Spirituality. The essence of who I am and where I am going relies heavily on spiritual concepts. And my beliefs shift, sometimes slowly, sometimes like tectonic plates grinding against one another. My heritage is conservative Christian. No label fits me currently, but I shift ever more toward a universal concept that sees the power and myth and ritual and beauty in every tradition.
Rather than write an entirely new post - I thought I would revisit some of my favorites:
Honoring the Longing
Sitting in the Dark
Healing
Practice Makes Perfect?
Angry
Motherhood - The Complete and Virtual Annihilation of Self
Enough
Spirituality is sprinkled in through all my posts, but these address what I believe and how I feel most directly. I still participate around the margins of the faith of my childhood, but my ties to organization and institution are looser than they used to be. But on this journey I've undertaken, I've experienced the Divine in ways I never had before and I am more deeply connected to something beyond me than I have ever been. So I'll continue to move and search for the words to define what happens along the way. And I'll be ever grateful for my companions on the journey - the soul-tribe connections - which I'm ever more convinced is the true heart of spirituality anyway.
Rather than write an entirely new post - I thought I would revisit some of my favorites:
Honoring the Longing
Sitting in the Dark
Healing
Practice Makes Perfect?
Angry
Motherhood - The Complete and Virtual Annihilation of Self
Enough
Spirituality is sprinkled in through all my posts, but these address what I believe and how I feel most directly. I still participate around the margins of the faith of my childhood, but my ties to organization and institution are looser than they used to be. But on this journey I've undertaken, I've experienced the Divine in ways I never had before and I am more deeply connected to something beyond me than I have ever been. So I'll continue to move and search for the words to define what happens along the way. And I'll be ever grateful for my companions on the journey - the soul-tribe connections - which I'm ever more convinced is the true heart of spirituality anyway.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
July "I Believe" Challenge - Day 26: Social Media
Social media - such an innocuous sounding phrase. One that arrived on the scene quietly to describe a phenomenon that somewhat defies description. My life has been oriented around technology. I arrived on the college scene just as personal computing sprang to life. The computer science nerds were big men (and a few women) on campus because we had email. Our friends marveled that we could talk to other students at other colleges around the country. My generation started work with a computer on every desktop and feels lost without them. And I've watched my children come of age in the era of portable technology. They cannot imagine a life without a cell phone to keep them tied like an umbilical cord to parental safety. I lived for a friend to call me on the phone, stretching the long cord into the hall or bedroom to try to achieve some measure of privacy. They text and email silently, making it harder to eavesdrop on their much more active social lives. We've turned friending into a verb and added scores of abbreviations and acronyms to our vocabulary and we've learned to tweet and twitter like a flock of birds. My husband still makes our living on technology and we are usually privy to the latest gadget and goodie, sometimes to my chagrin. But the positive aspect of his acumen is that we will never be the parents whose children have outpaced them in technology - he's on top of things!
In some ways I love the onslaught of technology. In other ways I protest. My parents never had to think about instituting a technology sabbath or monitoring the hours we spent plugged into an electronic device. They never had to consider how to instill the appropriate respect for privacy and modesty or wonder whether we were able to interpret written conversation for tone and context. I'm glad my children are tech savvy, but I worry sometimes about what they've lost.
But with all of the added concerns, my feelings around social media are largely positive. Social media has enabled me to connect with like minded friends around the world. Friends I wouldn't have met without blogs or facebook or email. I've formed some incredibly meaningful and deep friendships from ongoing electronic contact - relationships that have changed the course of my life. And I've come into contact with a tribe for the first time in my life.
There are dangers inherent in the format, certainly. But I think there is more power than we can begin to imagine in the connectivity we can find. The sharing of ideas. The supporting of dreams. The encouragement and friendship. Face to face is great and something I don't want to lose.... but my circle of friends is bigger than it ever has been by virtue of a group I've never met in person - although I hope to change that over time. But our primary source of connection will be electronic. Social media.... a word I'm glad has been added to my vocabulary.
In some ways I love the onslaught of technology. In other ways I protest. My parents never had to think about instituting a technology sabbath or monitoring the hours we spent plugged into an electronic device. They never had to consider how to instill the appropriate respect for privacy and modesty or wonder whether we were able to interpret written conversation for tone and context. I'm glad my children are tech savvy, but I worry sometimes about what they've lost.
But with all of the added concerns, my feelings around social media are largely positive. Social media has enabled me to connect with like minded friends around the world. Friends I wouldn't have met without blogs or facebook or email. I've formed some incredibly meaningful and deep friendships from ongoing electronic contact - relationships that have changed the course of my life. And I've come into contact with a tribe for the first time in my life.
There are dangers inherent in the format, certainly. But I think there is more power than we can begin to imagine in the connectivity we can find. The sharing of ideas. The supporting of dreams. The encouragement and friendship. Face to face is great and something I don't want to lose.... but my circle of friends is bigger than it ever has been by virtue of a group I've never met in person - although I hope to change that over time. But our primary source of connection will be electronic. Social media.... a word I'm glad has been added to my vocabulary.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
July "I Believe" Challenge - Day 25: Self Care
I believe self care does not equal selfish.
I believe caring for others requires a consistent practice of self care.
I believe self care must be a priority in a healthy and whole life.
I believe our cultural and religious systems here in the West often denigrate self care.
I believe caring for others requires a consistent practice of self care.
I believe self care must be a priority in a healthy and whole life.
I believe our cultural and religious systems here in the West often denigrate self care.
I believe self care consists of more rest than we want to admit.
I believe we give lip service to self care but criticize others when they engage in it.
I believe we give lip service to self care but criticize others when they engage in it.
I believe self care requires allowing others to minister to our needs - physical, mental, spiritual.
I believe community and solitude both play a part in self care.
I believe if I don't care for myself, no one else will.
I believe community and solitude both play a part in self care.
I believe if I don't care for myself, no one else will.
Monday, July 26, 2010
July "I Believe" Challenge - Day 24: Role of the Unconscious
Again behind, continually perpetually behind in this challenge of blogging daily for a month. But the topics from here to the end of Dani's challenge hold too much weight to combine them into one post to catch up. They resonate too strongly to skip or give a single line.... so behind I will stay.
Today's topic - the role of the unconscious - seems at once too big and too personal to adequately cover in a blog post. Over the past three years, I've spent a lot of time poking around in my own unconscious and learning about the role the unconscious plays in human behavior. In my field of study, the experts split, maybe not exactly down the middle. Some of them give a significant place to the unconscious and some of them deny its existence or denigrate its importance, preferring to focus on conscious thoughts and observable behavior. But for me, leaving out the unconscious - where old memories and traumas are stored, where instinct and inherited patterns live, where myth and art and poetry are rooted - leaves out far too much. Merely trying to adjust thoughts and behaviors without taking the unconscious into consideration is like trying to work a puzzle with the pieces turned upside down.
While I certainly cannot claim expert status - here are some of the things I have learned and believe about the unconscious:
1. The unconscious is real. It contains the imprint of things that have happened to us from our conception to our present, whether we think we remember them or not.
2. The unconscious is more than personal. It contains an element of myth and instinct and family or tribal histories that impact us in ways we don't always understand. Jung called this piece the "collective unconscious" and it binds us all together in a universal dance.
3. We can work to make the unconscious conscious. Dreams and fantasies, thoughts and feelings that catch us off guard, art and poetry and creativity all unlock pieces of our unconscious. We can learn to be more aware, to access these pieces more readily. And if we do, we can learn more about who we are and why we do what we do and how to honor our true self.
4. Our reactions are often driven by unconscious factors. When we love or hate someone at first sight - we are saying more about ourselves than about that person. Our unconscious uses the trick of projection and the other person acts like a blank movie screen. What we see that irks us or makes us envious is a clue to a piece of ourselves we haven't wanted to take a look at.
5. We repeat patterns of behavior we'd like to change because of our unconscious. Repetitive patterns of behavior that happen even when we tell ourselves we won't ever do that again, point to a wound never healed, a hole, a complex. Uncovering these things, bringing them to light, and healing them requires hard work. But when we do, we can choose how to act instead of reacting - and patterns of behavior can change.
6. We unlock our creativity when we dive into the unconscious. Art, poetry, writing - all our creative endeavors - are seated in the unconscious. By engaging in the arts, we tap into the unconscious, and letting the unconscious bubble up and giving it the respect it's due unlocks creativity potential within us that we didn't realize existed.
7. The more we can make the unconscious conscious, the more whole we become. Paying attention to our inner selves, exploring our dreams, being curious about our reactions - even the negative ones - takes us deeper into our true self and helps us integrate pieces of ourselves that were wounded or left behind, making us into more of who we were really designed to be.
I have a friend that talks about "r"eality vs. "R"eality. reality with a little r is all the stuff that happens externally around us. Enough to focus on for a lifetime, no doubt. But Reality with a big R encompasses both the external and the internal. Taking the time to see what's going on inside pays huge dividends in discovering what drives us, what fills us, what sustains us, and what gifts we have to offer the world - things we miss if we spend all our time on "r"eality. Make friends with your unconscious and see what treasures wait to be found.
Today's topic - the role of the unconscious - seems at once too big and too personal to adequately cover in a blog post. Over the past three years, I've spent a lot of time poking around in my own unconscious and learning about the role the unconscious plays in human behavior. In my field of study, the experts split, maybe not exactly down the middle. Some of them give a significant place to the unconscious and some of them deny its existence or denigrate its importance, preferring to focus on conscious thoughts and observable behavior. But for me, leaving out the unconscious - where old memories and traumas are stored, where instinct and inherited patterns live, where myth and art and poetry are rooted - leaves out far too much. Merely trying to adjust thoughts and behaviors without taking the unconscious into consideration is like trying to work a puzzle with the pieces turned upside down.
While I certainly cannot claim expert status - here are some of the things I have learned and believe about the unconscious:
1. The unconscious is real. It contains the imprint of things that have happened to us from our conception to our present, whether we think we remember them or not.
2. The unconscious is more than personal. It contains an element of myth and instinct and family or tribal histories that impact us in ways we don't always understand. Jung called this piece the "collective unconscious" and it binds us all together in a universal dance.
3. We can work to make the unconscious conscious. Dreams and fantasies, thoughts and feelings that catch us off guard, art and poetry and creativity all unlock pieces of our unconscious. We can learn to be more aware, to access these pieces more readily. And if we do, we can learn more about who we are and why we do what we do and how to honor our true self.
4. Our reactions are often driven by unconscious factors. When we love or hate someone at first sight - we are saying more about ourselves than about that person. Our unconscious uses the trick of projection and the other person acts like a blank movie screen. What we see that irks us or makes us envious is a clue to a piece of ourselves we haven't wanted to take a look at.
5. We repeat patterns of behavior we'd like to change because of our unconscious. Repetitive patterns of behavior that happen even when we tell ourselves we won't ever do that again, point to a wound never healed, a hole, a complex. Uncovering these things, bringing them to light, and healing them requires hard work. But when we do, we can choose how to act instead of reacting - and patterns of behavior can change.
6. We unlock our creativity when we dive into the unconscious. Art, poetry, writing - all our creative endeavors - are seated in the unconscious. By engaging in the arts, we tap into the unconscious, and letting the unconscious bubble up and giving it the respect it's due unlocks creativity potential within us that we didn't realize existed.
7. The more we can make the unconscious conscious, the more whole we become. Paying attention to our inner selves, exploring our dreams, being curious about our reactions - even the negative ones - takes us deeper into our true self and helps us integrate pieces of ourselves that were wounded or left behind, making us into more of who we were really designed to be.
I have a friend that talks about "r"eality vs. "R"eality. reality with a little r is all the stuff that happens externally around us. Enough to focus on for a lifetime, no doubt. But Reality with a big R encompasses both the external and the internal. Taking the time to see what's going on inside pays huge dividends in discovering what drives us, what fills us, what sustains us, and what gifts we have to offer the world - things we miss if we spend all our time on "r"eality. Make friends with your unconscious and see what treasures wait to be found.
Friday, July 23, 2010
July "I Believe" Challenge - Day 23: Politics
What I believe about politics marginalizes me in the "real-life" crowd I circulate in, so I often keep my opinions to myself.
The political wranglings of our politicians and politicians around the world make my stomach churn, so I turn off the TV.
My political views continue to move and shift as I encounter real people making their way through real life and facing edicts from a system that doesn't seem to understand, so I try to listen more than I talk.
Not towing the party line causes stress and distress in my extended family unit, so I refuse to engage in the battle.
Voting my conscious in the county where I live puts me in the short line and causes others to look askance at me, so I try to avoid the crowds (and sometimes I don't go at all....)
And I detect a theme that hearkens back to yesterday.... others opinions of me with regard to politics often makes me want to retreat into silence and inaction. I find it hard to take a stand. I hesitate to speak my convictions. I hide. And nothing changes.....
The political wranglings of our politicians and politicians around the world make my stomach churn, so I turn off the TV.
My political views continue to move and shift as I encounter real people making their way through real life and facing edicts from a system that doesn't seem to understand, so I try to listen more than I talk.
Not towing the party line causes stress and distress in my extended family unit, so I refuse to engage in the battle.
Voting my conscious in the county where I live puts me in the short line and causes others to look askance at me, so I try to avoid the crowds (and sometimes I don't go at all....)
And I detect a theme that hearkens back to yesterday.... others opinions of me with regard to politics often makes me want to retreat into silence and inaction. I find it hard to take a stand. I hesitate to speak my convictions. I hide. And nothing changes.....
Thursday, July 22, 2010
July "I Believe" Challenge - Day 21 & 22
It's a little overwhelming to keep up with this EVERY day posting on the blog. Two-thirds of the way through this challenge with only a little cheating - and I'm going to cheat again today.
Yesterday's topic was Nutrition. While I have thoughts and beliefs about nutrition - mainly that it's a good thing to pay attention to - the topic doesn't drive me to write much about it. But if you want to read something pretty profound - check out Dani's post on the topic from yesterday. It's worth reading.
Today's topic sort of leaves me speechless too - but for the opposite reason.
Others Opinions of You....
Well, where to even start and what to say that will sway the opinion of anybody who happens along here in the positive direction? Where do I start this conversation, from my head or my heart?
I can wax on philosophically about how one should put others opinions about herself into the proper perspective, listening to her true self and living from a place of groundedness regardless of what anyone else thinks. And I could evaluate the various categories of people whose opinions we let affect us in both positive and negative ways.
Or I can get very personal and share how I have been and still am deeply impacted by the opinions of others, both positively and negatively. How advocates and mentors have given me the courage to take a step and how naysayers and detractors have left me wounded and bleeding in the dirt from time to time.
All of it is true. None of it matters. We all take the opinion of others into consideration as we live our lives. We all wish sometimes we did it a little less. Everyone that passes this way is on a journey to themselves and along the road, we all meet both supporters and obstacles that we have to figure out how to deal with. But I think the true lesson is my exploration of how the opinions of others affect me comes from flipping the idea around. If I am indeed impacted by others opinions, they also are impacted by my opinion of them. And with that opinion, I have the ability to wound or to heal. As I learn to look at others through different eyes, to see past the outer shell and into someone's soul, my opinion is slowly changing from one of judgment to one of awe. I want to be in the place where my only opinion of another conveys how beautiful he or she is - that recognizes the imprint of the divine within. If we could all look at one another with those eyes, things would begin to change, for all of us, for good.
Yesterday's topic was Nutrition. While I have thoughts and beliefs about nutrition - mainly that it's a good thing to pay attention to - the topic doesn't drive me to write much about it. But if you want to read something pretty profound - check out Dani's post on the topic from yesterday. It's worth reading.
Today's topic sort of leaves me speechless too - but for the opposite reason.
Others Opinions of You....
Well, where to even start and what to say that will sway the opinion of anybody who happens along here in the positive direction? Where do I start this conversation, from my head or my heart?
I can wax on philosophically about how one should put others opinions about herself into the proper perspective, listening to her true self and living from a place of groundedness regardless of what anyone else thinks. And I could evaluate the various categories of people whose opinions we let affect us in both positive and negative ways.
Or I can get very personal and share how I have been and still am deeply impacted by the opinions of others, both positively and negatively. How advocates and mentors have given me the courage to take a step and how naysayers and detractors have left me wounded and bleeding in the dirt from time to time.
All of it is true. None of it matters. We all take the opinion of others into consideration as we live our lives. We all wish sometimes we did it a little less. Everyone that passes this way is on a journey to themselves and along the road, we all meet both supporters and obstacles that we have to figure out how to deal with. But I think the true lesson is my exploration of how the opinions of others affect me comes from flipping the idea around. If I am indeed impacted by others opinions, they also are impacted by my opinion of them. And with that opinion, I have the ability to wound or to heal. As I learn to look at others through different eyes, to see past the outer shell and into someone's soul, my opinion is slowly changing from one of judgment to one of awe. I want to be in the place where my only opinion of another conveys how beautiful he or she is - that recognizes the imprint of the divine within. If we could all look at one another with those eyes, things would begin to change, for all of us, for good.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
July "I Believe" Challenge - Day 20: Money
Money makes the world go 'round. When there is enough to meet needs and satisfy wants, it's easier to say "I don't want money to control my life" and make choices to follow our dreams. But when it's truly in short supply, following dreams falls off the list and juggling to survive moves way on up there. I've worked with people over the last two years who are responsible, hard working people barely making enough to cover the basics. They aren't living extravagantly. They aren't lazy. They aren't irresponsible. There just isn't enough. And money, for them, is a constant concern. It's changed my view on economics, politics, education and social services to watch these men and women struggle to survive.
I don't want my life to be driven by money. We've made lots of decisions that allow us to not have to worry constantly about money. But we have enough. And it turns my stomach to see people who have more than enough continue to want more and more and more - often at the very expense of those who don't have enough to simply get by.
Money is a resource. When it's scarce, the scarcity drives behavior. When it's not scarce but we operate with a mentality that it is, then we hoard and worry instead of living generously and freely. And I wish there were some way to ensure that everyone had enough (said with great trepidation lest I be branded a socialist). Economics drives our world - at least here in the west. And money - or the chase for more of it - is responsible for much of the ugliness in our world. I wish the currency could be love instead.
I don't want my life to be driven by money. We've made lots of decisions that allow us to not have to worry constantly about money. But we have enough. And it turns my stomach to see people who have more than enough continue to want more and more and more - often at the very expense of those who don't have enough to simply get by.
Money is a resource. When it's scarce, the scarcity drives behavior. When it's not scarce but we operate with a mentality that it is, then we hoard and worry instead of living generously and freely. And I wish there were some way to ensure that everyone had enough (said with great trepidation lest I be branded a socialist). Economics drives our world - at least here in the west. And money - or the chase for more of it - is responsible for much of the ugliness in our world. I wish the currency could be love instead.
Monday, July 19, 2010
July "I Believe" Challenge - Day 19: Luck
Lucky me... it's my birthday! Woo hoo. Or not. Because I have a slight digestive system malfunction that has left me a little less than energetic today. What rotten luck.
Really? Luck? Don't think I believe in it much, although my perspective shifts. Luck is random. Most of the time, I'd rather chalk things up to synchronicity - which really isn't very random at all. While I'm not one to subscribe to a divine puppeteer who constantly pulls all our strings to make things work out according to plan, I do think that there is an underlying pattern and force to the way things work. And that unusual events in our lives just might have some meaning behind them we need to explore.
Did I happen upon Dani and this challenge by luck? Doubt it. But then again, I don't really believe in just wishing good things our way either. Where I've finally landed right now allows me to acknowledge that there are so many things I just don't understand and accept that I may not ever understand them. But I can be grateful for the good and stand firm in the face of the not so good, and live THIS MOMENT of my life to the best of my ability. The more conscious and aware I become, the better choices I am able to make, the more I can act instead of react, and the better luck I seem to have.
Really? Luck? Don't think I believe in it much, although my perspective shifts. Luck is random. Most of the time, I'd rather chalk things up to synchronicity - which really isn't very random at all. While I'm not one to subscribe to a divine puppeteer who constantly pulls all our strings to make things work out according to plan, I do think that there is an underlying pattern and force to the way things work. And that unusual events in our lives just might have some meaning behind them we need to explore.
Did I happen upon Dani and this challenge by luck? Doubt it. But then again, I don't really believe in just wishing good things our way either. Where I've finally landed right now allows me to acknowledge that there are so many things I just don't understand and accept that I may not ever understand them. But I can be grateful for the good and stand firm in the face of the not so good, and live THIS MOMENT of my life to the best of my ability. The more conscious and aware I become, the better choices I am able to make, the more I can act instead of react, and the better luck I seem to have.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
July "I Believe" Challenge" - Day 17 & 18
I'm behind, I'm busy, and I am feeling pressed. Maybe I'll come back to these topics later - but here's a quick glance for the moment.
Day 17 - Law of Attraction - Without some research I'm not sure I can say what I think about this. On one hand - I think what and how we think makes a huge difference in our lives. On the other hand, I grew up with a "reverse prosperity" gospel that said anything bad that happened in life was a result of a flaw or mistake or - let's call it what they did - SIN. And I think that theology is damaging. So taking the reciprocal law of attraction that thinking and doing good will bring good comes a bit hard to me. Life happens. We play with the hand we are dealt. How we think about that hand makes a difference in our reactions. And dreaming big propels us forward. But I don't think it happens effortlessly.
Day 18 - Love. This topic deserves so much more than I have to give it today. It's the foundation for everything. But the words are not coming for me. So I'm going to point to something so eloquent and beautiful that it took my breath away this morning. Love = Tenderness - yes? Thanks Julie Daley.
Day 17 - Law of Attraction - Without some research I'm not sure I can say what I think about this. On one hand - I think what and how we think makes a huge difference in our lives. On the other hand, I grew up with a "reverse prosperity" gospel that said anything bad that happened in life was a result of a flaw or mistake or - let's call it what they did - SIN. And I think that theology is damaging. So taking the reciprocal law of attraction that thinking and doing good will bring good comes a bit hard to me. Life happens. We play with the hand we are dealt. How we think about that hand makes a difference in our reactions. And dreaming big propels us forward. But I don't think it happens effortlessly.
Day 18 - Love. This topic deserves so much more than I have to give it today. It's the foundation for everything. But the words are not coming for me. So I'm going to point to something so eloquent and beautiful that it took my breath away this morning. Love = Tenderness - yes? Thanks Julie Daley.
Friday, July 16, 2010
July "I Believe" Challenge - Day 16: Living in the Now
Truly hearing the laughter, stopping to look my children in the eyes, and joining in.
Feeling the heat from the sun on my skin and noticing the difference stepping into the shade.
Meeting my lover as he comes in the door with a warm embrace rather than a distracted glance or worse yet a running commentary of the ills of now's already past.
Smelling the freshness and feeling the thick fluffiness of towels as I fold them.
Savoring the scent of spices as they simmer.
Reveling in the dirt sifting through my fingers in the garden.
Being with someone, looking through her eyes to her very souls, as she tells her story.
Feeling the pain and not running away.
Giving in to the urge to reach out and make physical contact with someone.
Saying how I really feel.
Loving without expectation or reservation.
Knowing there is no other moment except this one.
Feeling the heat from the sun on my skin and noticing the difference stepping into the shade.
Meeting my lover as he comes in the door with a warm embrace rather than a distracted glance or worse yet a running commentary of the ills of now's already past.
Smelling the freshness and feeling the thick fluffiness of towels as I fold them.
Savoring the scent of spices as they simmer.
Reveling in the dirt sifting through my fingers in the garden.
Being with someone, looking through her eyes to her very souls, as she tells her story.
Feeling the pain and not running away.
Giving in to the urge to reach out and make physical contact with someone.
Saying how I really feel.
Loving without expectation or reservation.
Knowing there is no other moment except this one.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
July "I Believe" Challenge - Day 15: Learning
My 11 year old is learning to cook. She's made dinner the past two nights. She's also learning to ice skate, taking weekly lessons for most of the year this past year. Watching her engage these challenges and observing the way she reacts interests me. Cooking comes more easily to her - and she beams with delight upon successfully creating a meal. Ice skating requires more effort. The footwork doesn't come easily. She risks falling down. She has to practice. And there is no immediate reward like there is with dinner. We've had several discussions about practice and determination and making incremental gains in regard to ice skating. She too often compares herself to another skater out on the ice. No one is pushing her to continue. But she wants it to come easily and is frustrated when it doesn't.
Watching her learn is like looking in a mirror. It's much easier for me to stay motivated to learn when I get instant POSITIVE feedback. It's hard to stay engaged in the process when I feel awkward and clumsy, when I fall down, when no matter how hard I try I can't quite get it right. But that's how learning about myself goes most of the time. It isn't easy to look at myself. It isn't easy to take responsibility for my own stuff. It isn't pretty to see how I create much of what I want to complain about. It's easy to compare myself with others and find all the ways I come up short. Much less satisfying to take a realistic look at me and acknowledge the ways I've grown when measured against myself at previous moments in time. And it's hard to give myself grace sometimes where I see that I still have a long way to go.
But how is she ever going to learn to do those things if she doesn't learn by watching me?
Watching her learn is like looking in a mirror. It's much easier for me to stay motivated to learn when I get instant POSITIVE feedback. It's hard to stay engaged in the process when I feel awkward and clumsy, when I fall down, when no matter how hard I try I can't quite get it right. But that's how learning about myself goes most of the time. It isn't easy to look at myself. It isn't easy to take responsibility for my own stuff. It isn't pretty to see how I create much of what I want to complain about. It's easy to compare myself with others and find all the ways I come up short. Much less satisfying to take a realistic look at me and acknowledge the ways I've grown when measured against myself at previous moments in time. And it's hard to give myself grace sometimes where I see that I still have a long way to go.
But how is she ever going to learn to do those things if she doesn't learn by watching me?
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
July "I Believe" Challenge - Day 14: Laughter
Laughter rang through my house today.
The contagious laughter of two girls, one little, one tottering on the verge of grown.
I love the way their eyes twinkle.
I love the way their faces crinkle.
I love the un-contained breath and sound, coming from deep inside their bodies.
I can't help but laugh with them. And they know it.
They wield laughter as a tool, elegantly, effortlessly, effectively.
And their giggles multiply with the number of heads bent together - the more the merrier.
I love the laughter of my children. It rings with the sound of life.
The contagious laughter of two girls, one little, one tottering on the verge of grown.
I love the way their eyes twinkle.
I love the way their faces crinkle.
I love the un-contained breath and sound, coming from deep inside their bodies.
I can't help but laugh with them. And they know it.
They wield laughter as a tool, elegantly, effortlessly, effectively.
And their giggles multiply with the number of heads bent together - the more the merrier.
I love the laughter of my children. It rings with the sound of life.
July "I Believe" Challenge - Day 13: Hope
Hope is a state of mind, not of the world...
Either we have hope within us or we don't;
it is a dimension of the soul, and it's not essentially
dependent on some particular observation of the world
or estimate of the situation. Hope is not prognostication.
It is an orientation of the spirit, an orientation of the heart;
it transcends the world that is immediately experienced,
and is anchored somewhere beyond its horizons...
Hope, in this deep and powerful sense, is not the same as joy--Vaclav Havel
that things are going well, or willingness to invest in enterprises
that are obviously heading for success, but, rather an ability
to work for something because it is good, not just because it stands
a chance to succeed. The less propitious the situation in which
we demonstrate hope, the deeper the hope is. Hope is
definitely not the same thing as optimism.
It is not the conviction that something will turn out well,
but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out.
Monday, July 12, 2010
July "I Believe" Challenge - Day 12 & 11: Fear & Family
I've been avoiding these posts. Completely. I don't want to write them. I don't want to think about them. I don't really want to read what anybody else writes about them. I wish one would go away and the other would shape up. But wishful thinking doesn't equal taking responsibility for my own life. So....
Fear -- I believe fear is the ultimate weapon against transformation, the ultimate roadblock on the journey of becoming. Faith like a mustard seed may move mountains, but fear multiplies faster than the worst weed and chokes out anything else trying to grow. Like controlling weeds, controlling fear requires constant monitoring and immediate action. When fear sprouts, we must notice right away and take measures to control it while it's small and still manageable. If we don't, pretty soon we find it taking over. When unchecked, fear has the power to immobilize, to bring out our worst qualities, to spew harm and hate, to bury us alive.
I struggle with fear. I battle it. I sometimes let it stop me in my tracks. I have missed opportunities. I have shortchanged relationships. But I'm learning. I'm learning to take a step in spite of the fear. I've learned to listen to the fear and figure out who is really afraid and let the parts of me that know better assure the little girl, or the searching soul, or the fumbling mother, or the wounded wife that everything is going to be okay. I'm also learning to admit the fear instead of burying it below layers upon layers of defense. Once it's out there, spoken out loud, somehow it seems more manageable. I don't know that I will ever conquer it, but maybe, just maybe, someday I'll learn to co-exist with it and continue on my way in spite of it.
Family -- I want to say a lot of wonderful things about family. But I can't. I'm struggling with family right now. I'm struggling with letting go of the illusions of what I want family to be and accepting the reality of what family is. I want to differentiate from my family, letting their inclinations and expectations control me less, but without completely destroying relationships. It's been difficult to admit the areas where my family has failed me... and it's been difficult to move beyond blame to accepting responsibility for my own life. I've watched and listened to person after person struggle with the pain caused them by their families, the very people that should have loved and supported them. I think most of the clients I've seen so far have all been injured, and not just a little, by their families. I wonder if family really does anyone more good than harm. Yet, I envy families who appear close. Who travel together. Who celebrate holidays and birthdays and events together. I recognize that "the grass is greener" may just be an illusion, but there is a part of me that wants that illusion so much that I can feel the physical ache of the wanting. Family is complicated - and I don't yet have the answers. Family is a crucible for change, the furnace where true treasure is refined. But right now.... the fire feels a little hot.
Fear -- I believe fear is the ultimate weapon against transformation, the ultimate roadblock on the journey of becoming. Faith like a mustard seed may move mountains, but fear multiplies faster than the worst weed and chokes out anything else trying to grow. Like controlling weeds, controlling fear requires constant monitoring and immediate action. When fear sprouts, we must notice right away and take measures to control it while it's small and still manageable. If we don't, pretty soon we find it taking over. When unchecked, fear has the power to immobilize, to bring out our worst qualities, to spew harm and hate, to bury us alive.
I struggle with fear. I battle it. I sometimes let it stop me in my tracks. I have missed opportunities. I have shortchanged relationships. But I'm learning. I'm learning to take a step in spite of the fear. I've learned to listen to the fear and figure out who is really afraid and let the parts of me that know better assure the little girl, or the searching soul, or the fumbling mother, or the wounded wife that everything is going to be okay. I'm also learning to admit the fear instead of burying it below layers upon layers of defense. Once it's out there, spoken out loud, somehow it seems more manageable. I don't know that I will ever conquer it, but maybe, just maybe, someday I'll learn to co-exist with it and continue on my way in spite of it.
Family -- I want to say a lot of wonderful things about family. But I can't. I'm struggling with family right now. I'm struggling with letting go of the illusions of what I want family to be and accepting the reality of what family is. I want to differentiate from my family, letting their inclinations and expectations control me less, but without completely destroying relationships. It's been difficult to admit the areas where my family has failed me... and it's been difficult to move beyond blame to accepting responsibility for my own life. I've watched and listened to person after person struggle with the pain caused them by their families, the very people that should have loved and supported them. I think most of the clients I've seen so far have all been injured, and not just a little, by their families. I wonder if family really does anyone more good than harm. Yet, I envy families who appear close. Who travel together. Who celebrate holidays and birthdays and events together. I recognize that "the grass is greener" may just be an illusion, but there is a part of me that wants that illusion so much that I can feel the physical ache of the wanting. Family is complicated - and I don't yet have the answers. Family is a crucible for change, the furnace where true treasure is refined. But right now.... the fire feels a little hot.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
July "I Believe" Challenge - Day 10: Failure
I believe the main reason I'm doing this post today is because I don't want to FAIL at this challenge!
My whole house is in a cranky mood this morning. The girls just got back from camp yesterday. It's been raining on and off all week. Both my husband and I had big weeks from a professional standpoint, me with my final board-level exam hurdle to getting my license and him with a huge move of all the office which he was responsible for. I think we are all tired. We are certainly all grumpy. It happens sometimes, right?
So, why is it than when others around me are grumpy, or when I'm not feeling so on top of my game, that my thoughts automatically go to failure? The voice runs in my head that says that I am somehow single handedly responsible for the happiness of everyone around me, and if they are cranky then somehow I must BE a failure. Notice I don't think that maybe I am failing at a certain task, or that maybe their moods have nothing to do with me, or that maybe we all just need a nap. No - those old tape recordings go straight to YOU ARE.... and a failure is one of the worst things the messages can say about me.
I've always put a lot of stock in external measures of validation - for instance - grades. And I think one of the reasons why this has been so easy for me to do is because a good grade is an objective, visible measure of success, something I can hold up as sort of a talisman against the gremlin voices. Something to prove to the rest of the world that I am NOT a failure.
Now, rationally and realistically - I know I am not a failure. I can list off many things - both internal and external - that support the view that I am blessed and successful beyond measure. So why are those voices so loud sometimes?
I believe it has to do with a cultural mindset that equates failure and weakness, that says succeed at all costs, that says never let them see you cry. And I believe that the only way to shift out of that mindset is to reframe failure. To see failure as a learning opportunity. To look at what I need to learn about me. To see that maybe, if I fail repeatedly in a situation, it's because the situation is not beneficial and growth-producing but rather soul-killing and something I need to leave behind. To be gentle with myself, and to have a sense of humor, and let go of the need to be perfect all of the time.
I'm trying. And sometimes I fail. But I am not a failure. And I'm learning and growing all the time.
My whole house is in a cranky mood this morning. The girls just got back from camp yesterday. It's been raining on and off all week. Both my husband and I had big weeks from a professional standpoint, me with my final board-level exam hurdle to getting my license and him with a huge move of all the office which he was responsible for. I think we are all tired. We are certainly all grumpy. It happens sometimes, right?
So, why is it than when others around me are grumpy, or when I'm not feeling so on top of my game, that my thoughts automatically go to failure? The voice runs in my head that says that I am somehow single handedly responsible for the happiness of everyone around me, and if they are cranky then somehow I must BE a failure. Notice I don't think that maybe I am failing at a certain task, or that maybe their moods have nothing to do with me, or that maybe we all just need a nap. No - those old tape recordings go straight to YOU ARE.... and a failure is one of the worst things the messages can say about me.
I've always put a lot of stock in external measures of validation - for instance - grades. And I think one of the reasons why this has been so easy for me to do is because a good grade is an objective, visible measure of success, something I can hold up as sort of a talisman against the gremlin voices. Something to prove to the rest of the world that I am NOT a failure.
Now, rationally and realistically - I know I am not a failure. I can list off many things - both internal and external - that support the view that I am blessed and successful beyond measure. So why are those voices so loud sometimes?
I believe it has to do with a cultural mindset that equates failure and weakness, that says succeed at all costs, that says never let them see you cry. And I believe that the only way to shift out of that mindset is to reframe failure. To see failure as a learning opportunity. To look at what I need to learn about me. To see that maybe, if I fail repeatedly in a situation, it's because the situation is not beneficial and growth-producing but rather soul-killing and something I need to leave behind. To be gentle with myself, and to have a sense of humor, and let go of the need to be perfect all of the time.
I'm trying. And sometimes I fail. But I am not a failure. And I'm learning and growing all the time.
Friday, July 9, 2010
July "I Believe" Challenge - Day 8: Creativity (and Day 9)
(and Day 9: Exercise)
I believe it's good for you. I believe I don't do enough. And we'll talk about that some more tomorrow with failure....
And now on to more fun things. Creativity. What do I believe about creativity?
For most of my adult life, right up until the last few years, I would have been one of those people who said "I am not creative". I tended to operate in the logical, intellectual realm and rarely get below my neck. I admired creativity in other people, but pretty much refused to acknowledge it in myself.
All that has changed DRAMATICALLY in these past few years. Getting in touch with me, digging deep, honoring feeling, learning to really be with and listen to another have unleashed my creativity at a level I've probably never known before - or at least not since I was young enough to be freely creative without censure.
Most of my creativity revolves around writing - and this blog has been an outlet for that creativity. But I use creativity in other ways in my life too, ways I had never acknowledged before. I'm creative in my mothering. I'm creative in relationship. I'm creative in connection and community.
I believe we are ALL creative. Some of us may have had that creative ability discounted at some point in our lives and stopped believing in it. But I really feel that as we move toward our most authentic selves, our creativity is unleashed. It may manifest itself in "traditional" creative outlets like music, art, and writing - or it may show up in the most unexpected places.
I believe that creativity flourishes in collaboration and these online communities we are CREATING encourage all of us to step into our own creative in large and small ways.
I believe that honoring our creativity is essential in being whole and authentic human beings. Repressing or denigrating our own creativity hampers us in the quest to be who we really are.
I believe that creativity is the language of our souls, and the more fluently we learn to speak it, the more we are able to communicate and connect with the souls of others.
I believe creativity requires honesty and sometimes engages our fears on their very deepest levels. It takes enormous courage to be creative and then share that creativity with the world.
I believe creativity is the light and music and air of our lives and the world is dull and flavorless without it.
I believe creativity connects us all.
I believe it's good for you. I believe I don't do enough. And we'll talk about that some more tomorrow with failure....
And now on to more fun things. Creativity. What do I believe about creativity?
For most of my adult life, right up until the last few years, I would have been one of those people who said "I am not creative". I tended to operate in the logical, intellectual realm and rarely get below my neck. I admired creativity in other people, but pretty much refused to acknowledge it in myself.
All that has changed DRAMATICALLY in these past few years. Getting in touch with me, digging deep, honoring feeling, learning to really be with and listen to another have unleashed my creativity at a level I've probably never known before - or at least not since I was young enough to be freely creative without censure.
Most of my creativity revolves around writing - and this blog has been an outlet for that creativity. But I use creativity in other ways in my life too, ways I had never acknowledged before. I'm creative in my mothering. I'm creative in relationship. I'm creative in connection and community.
I believe we are ALL creative. Some of us may have had that creative ability discounted at some point in our lives and stopped believing in it. But I really feel that as we move toward our most authentic selves, our creativity is unleashed. It may manifest itself in "traditional" creative outlets like music, art, and writing - or it may show up in the most unexpected places.
I believe that creativity flourishes in collaboration and these online communities we are CREATING encourage all of us to step into our own creative in large and small ways.
I believe that honoring our creativity is essential in being whole and authentic human beings. Repressing or denigrating our own creativity hampers us in the quest to be who we really are.
I believe that creativity is the language of our souls, and the more fluently we learn to speak it, the more we are able to communicate and connect with the souls of others.
I believe creativity requires honesty and sometimes engages our fears on their very deepest levels. It takes enormous courage to be creative and then share that creativity with the world.
I believe creativity is the light and music and air of our lives and the world is dull and flavorless without it.
I believe creativity connects us all.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
July "I Believe" Challenge - Day 7: Confidence
Wow, which Renae gets to write this post? I put on a pretty confident front. There are plenty of things I excel at and can have or pretend to have great confidence in doing....
But the reality of the situation is that inside, I am often feeling much less than confident. For example, every time I have to get up in front of a group of people and say ANYTHING - my insides turn into jelly. I often get told I appeared poised and confident - but that just tells me I put on a good front.
Confidence is one of those areas that I've pretty much learned to fake it 'til I make it. And sometimes that's okay, because doing something I am afraid of sometimes gives me some real confidence that I can do it again.
But sometimes, my false front of confidence keeps me from being authentic and real and vulnerable. It makes me hard and defensive. It keeps people from getting close or makes them feel that I could never identify with them and their fears. It isolates me.
But as I own my own voice, and dig deeper into my own self, and figure out what my purpose really is, and live authentically - I become more confident. I'm still scared - a lot - but I'm confident that I can take the next step, do the next required thing, find the next piece to the puzzle. I want to live out of my center so much that I don't need external validation to boost my confidence - but I'm not quite there yet - and the validation from community (like we talked about yesterday) sure does feel nice.
Today - I'm trying to be confident that I will do well on my board exam tomorrow. And I'm trying to be confident that my 7 year old girl scout is big enough to make it at overnight camp on her own.
But the reality of the situation is that inside, I am often feeling much less than confident. For example, every time I have to get up in front of a group of people and say ANYTHING - my insides turn into jelly. I often get told I appeared poised and confident - but that just tells me I put on a good front.
Confidence is one of those areas that I've pretty much learned to fake it 'til I make it. And sometimes that's okay, because doing something I am afraid of sometimes gives me some real confidence that I can do it again.
But sometimes, my false front of confidence keeps me from being authentic and real and vulnerable. It makes me hard and defensive. It keeps people from getting close or makes them feel that I could never identify with them and their fears. It isolates me.
But as I own my own voice, and dig deeper into my own self, and figure out what my purpose really is, and live authentically - I become more confident. I'm still scared - a lot - but I'm confident that I can take the next step, do the next required thing, find the next piece to the puzzle. I want to live out of my center so much that I don't need external validation to boost my confidence - but I'm not quite there yet - and the validation from community (like we talked about yesterday) sure does feel nice.
Today - I'm trying to be confident that I will do well on my board exam tomorrow. And I'm trying to be confident that my 7 year old girl scout is big enough to make it at overnight camp on her own.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
July "I Believe" Challenge - Day 6: Compassion
COMPASSION
I believe compassion compels us to speak out against atrocities like the stoning of a woman.
I believe compassion drives me to do my work in the world.
I believe if I see you and you see me - really SEE - then we can't help but feel compassion for one another.
I believe compassion requires action.
I believe compassion compels us to speak out against atrocities like the stoning of a woman.
I believe compassion drives me to do my work in the world.
I believe if I see you and you see me - really SEE - then we can't help but feel compassion for one another.
I believe compassion requires action.
Monday, July 5, 2010
July "I Believe" Challenge - Day 5: Community
COMMUNITY
I believe that a good portion of this entire blog experiment for me has been about community.
And I believe that I've said a lot about it already.
And I believe that in the service of spending some face time with my hands-on community today - I am going to recycle a post. Take a look at my post "Connection" and be sure and read Julie Daley's quote at the beginning - because in a nutshell - it sums up what I believe about community.
And if you are here and reading because you are participating in Dani's July challenge - I'm glad you are a new part of my community!
I believe that a good portion of this entire blog experiment for me has been about community.
And I believe that I've said a lot about it already.
And I believe that in the service of spending some face time with my hands-on community today - I am going to recycle a post. Take a look at my post "Connection" and be sure and read Julie Daley's quote at the beginning - because in a nutshell - it sums up what I believe about community.
And if you are here and reading because you are participating in Dani's July challenge - I'm glad you are a new part of my community!
Sunday, July 4, 2010
July "I Believe" Challenge - Day 4: Body Image
What do I believe about Body Image? Interesting question, especially following a day writing about authenticity.
I have two realities. Intellectually, in my head, there are LOTS of things I can say about body image. Our society focuses too much on how people look on the outside, our culture is killing our kids with unattainable images of perfection, our body shape and size is largely inherited, every person carries a divine imprint which defines their beauty from the inside out, helping my girls be healthy and active is much more important than focusing on what size they are, there is great creativity and power in being a woman with everything that encompasses.
But my FELT reality is often very different. I have never liked my body. I have always felt fat. The taped messages from long ago tell me that I can never be successful because I am not tall and thin. Being a woman makes me somehow less. And giving and receiving pleasure through my body makes me bad. Everything I've accomplished has been in spite of instead of with the help of my body. People are judging me based on my body instead of for who I really am. I need to make myself as invisible as possible.
I don't believe all of these things, all of the time. But they are messages that the gremlin voices can replay easily. I have to work HARD to counteract these messages. It has taken lots of time and lots of work to see my body as a sacred vessel - something to be honored. I've struggled mightily to embrace my sexuality as something positive and holy. I need to remind myself often about the gifts I have to bring from within so that I can be present and real.
My body is beautiful. It has carried me well through the first half of my life. It has nurtured and nourished two beautiful children. It gives me the ability to interact with and experience the world and the people around me. It's capable of giving someone else a shoulder to lean on, a lap to snuggle in, or a hug to say "I see you and you are loved." It is the conduit to pleasurable, sensual, intimate relationship. It contains and carries numinous energy.
But I have to remind myself of all of that regularly, or I slip too easily into the old felt reality. And I have to work hard to minimize the negative and accentuate the positive messages for my daughters so their tapes play healthier messages inside their hearts and souls.
What's real? What's authentic? All of it I guess, the constant push and pull and struggle. Sometimes I feel like I'm making progress, but it's a long, slow climb. But, I trust my body to carry me forward as I go.
I have two realities. Intellectually, in my head, there are LOTS of things I can say about body image. Our society focuses too much on how people look on the outside, our culture is killing our kids with unattainable images of perfection, our body shape and size is largely inherited, every person carries a divine imprint which defines their beauty from the inside out, helping my girls be healthy and active is much more important than focusing on what size they are, there is great creativity and power in being a woman with everything that encompasses.
But my FELT reality is often very different. I have never liked my body. I have always felt fat. The taped messages from long ago tell me that I can never be successful because I am not tall and thin. Being a woman makes me somehow less. And giving and receiving pleasure through my body makes me bad. Everything I've accomplished has been in spite of instead of with the help of my body. People are judging me based on my body instead of for who I really am. I need to make myself as invisible as possible.
I don't believe all of these things, all of the time. But they are messages that the gremlin voices can replay easily. I have to work HARD to counteract these messages. It has taken lots of time and lots of work to see my body as a sacred vessel - something to be honored. I've struggled mightily to embrace my sexuality as something positive and holy. I need to remind myself often about the gifts I have to bring from within so that I can be present and real.
My body is beautiful. It has carried me well through the first half of my life. It has nurtured and nourished two beautiful children. It gives me the ability to interact with and experience the world and the people around me. It's capable of giving someone else a shoulder to lean on, a lap to snuggle in, or a hug to say "I see you and you are loved." It is the conduit to pleasurable, sensual, intimate relationship. It contains and carries numinous energy.
But I have to remind myself of all of that regularly, or I slip too easily into the old felt reality. And I have to work hard to minimize the negative and accentuate the positive messages for my daughters so their tapes play healthier messages inside their hearts and souls.
What's real? What's authentic? All of it I guess, the constant push and pull and struggle. Sometimes I feel like I'm making progress, but it's a long, slow climb. But, I trust my body to carry me forward as I go.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
July "I Believe" Challenge - Day 3: Authenticity
I believe authenticity means that I recognize and honor each facet, all the roles, every aspect. I am many things and many people. Sometimes I don't even recognize myself. But in spending time with me, listening to my self, holding every emotion with curiosity and not judgment - I'm getting to know the pieces. And I'm getting braver about letting you know them too. That's authenticity.
Friday, July 2, 2010
July "I Believe" Challenge - Day 2: Anger
Okay, so my company is now gone, and while the house is not quiet, I can at least spend some time in my office without feeling like a poor hostess. It's still early in the day, so I'm not scrambling to play catch up. The biggest issue today is condensing my thoughts about such a huge topic into a blog-worthy length. I don't twitter, so I don't know how many people chose to participate in this challenge via twitter - but I bow in amazement to any of you who are capturing thoughts about these topics in 140 characters!!!
ANGER
It feels dangerous to even open the door a little to this topic. My family did not give feelings of any kind a predominant place in our lives when I was a kid - it was a sin to be TOO anything - overjoyed, devastated, anxious, excited, sad, proud or disappointed. And God forbid anyone ever ADMIT to being angry - although everyone seemed to BE angry an awful lot. I think the message I received through osmosis about anger echoes the message children of closet alcoholics receive. It's a message where the spoken and acknowledged environment totally denies the reality of the situation, leaving a child to question whether her perception of the situation is true. The end result of this constant cognitive dissonance is a loss of trust in one's own intuition and judgment. Constantly told that one's felt and perceived reality is indeed NOT true, one loses the ability to trust any feeling or perception. While there was no alcohol involved, I experienced much of the same deception. Anger lurked under the surface almost all of the time, occasionally exploding in flash of flying sparks or sometimes bubbling through the crusty surface that looked solid but barely covered a mass of molten fire. I learned early to tread carefully and avoid the sudden shower of sparks.
I was taught to believe anger is not productive. That we should turn the other cheek. That we should make amends before the sun set, and that we should forgive and forget. But now, I believe something very different.
I believe anger is a warning sign to me that something is wrong, out of balance, unjust, or harmful. If I experience anger I need to stop and spend some time in examination of myself and of the situation. Maybe the anger has pushed me into a reactive space because it's come close to an old, vulnerable wound that I need to uncover and shine some light on in order to heal. Maybe the anger shows that something in my life is out of balance, that I am not taking responsibility to get my deepest needs met in a healthy way. Maybe the anger indicates a situation where I need to step in and lend a helping hand to someone in need or advocate on someone's behalf. Maybe the anger tells me I'm in a situation that I need to remove myself from because it is soul-killing rather than life-giving.
I'm still wrestling with these ideas. Sometimes I don't want to look at my unconscious reactions and change them into self-awareness. I get frustrated with external situations that cause me anger, and I'm still in the process of trying to figure out where I should advocate and where I need to let be. Anger directed toward me feels uncomfortable, and I still feel a sense of guilt when I experience anger toward someone else.
But I believe that anger must be honored. I believe it's okay to be angry. I believe the heat of anger, appropriately managed, can fuel great personal growth and social change.
I do want to add a caveat - anger inappropriately managed - can of course cause great harm. In my anger, I do not have a right to harm anyone else. I do not have a right to inflict injury on another because I am angry. Out of control anger is dangerous.
I believe that using anger as an internal temperature gauge can be very useful - and acknowledging the feeling and using the anger to point to the areas of growth - is one of the most beneficial things I can do.
I believe learning to approach anger with curiosity rather than fear changes everything.
ANGER
It feels dangerous to even open the door a little to this topic. My family did not give feelings of any kind a predominant place in our lives when I was a kid - it was a sin to be TOO anything - overjoyed, devastated, anxious, excited, sad, proud or disappointed. And God forbid anyone ever ADMIT to being angry - although everyone seemed to BE angry an awful lot. I think the message I received through osmosis about anger echoes the message children of closet alcoholics receive. It's a message where the spoken and acknowledged environment totally denies the reality of the situation, leaving a child to question whether her perception of the situation is true. The end result of this constant cognitive dissonance is a loss of trust in one's own intuition and judgment. Constantly told that one's felt and perceived reality is indeed NOT true, one loses the ability to trust any feeling or perception. While there was no alcohol involved, I experienced much of the same deception. Anger lurked under the surface almost all of the time, occasionally exploding in flash of flying sparks or sometimes bubbling through the crusty surface that looked solid but barely covered a mass of molten fire. I learned early to tread carefully and avoid the sudden shower of sparks.
I was taught to believe anger is not productive. That we should turn the other cheek. That we should make amends before the sun set, and that we should forgive and forget. But now, I believe something very different.
I believe anger is a warning sign to me that something is wrong, out of balance, unjust, or harmful. If I experience anger I need to stop and spend some time in examination of myself and of the situation. Maybe the anger has pushed me into a reactive space because it's come close to an old, vulnerable wound that I need to uncover and shine some light on in order to heal. Maybe the anger shows that something in my life is out of balance, that I am not taking responsibility to get my deepest needs met in a healthy way. Maybe the anger indicates a situation where I need to step in and lend a helping hand to someone in need or advocate on someone's behalf. Maybe the anger tells me I'm in a situation that I need to remove myself from because it is soul-killing rather than life-giving.
I'm still wrestling with these ideas. Sometimes I don't want to look at my unconscious reactions and change them into self-awareness. I get frustrated with external situations that cause me anger, and I'm still in the process of trying to figure out where I should advocate and where I need to let be. Anger directed toward me feels uncomfortable, and I still feel a sense of guilt when I experience anger toward someone else.
But I believe that anger must be honored. I believe it's okay to be angry. I believe the heat of anger, appropriately managed, can fuel great personal growth and social change.
I do want to add a caveat - anger inappropriately managed - can of course cause great harm. In my anger, I do not have a right to harm anyone else. I do not have a right to inflict injury on another because I am angry. Out of control anger is dangerous.
I believe that using anger as an internal temperature gauge can be very useful - and acknowledging the feeling and using the anger to point to the areas of growth - is one of the most beneficial things I can do.
I believe learning to approach anger with curiosity rather than fear changes everything.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
July "I Believe" Challenge - Day 1: Purpose
I have enlisted in my first blog challenge over at Dani Fake Webb's site. Dani has a list of topics, one per day, which a group of us will be using to clarify our beliefs. I usually blog about twice a week, so every day seems a bit daunting - and it's nearly 7pm on Day 1 and I already feel behind. We have company at the house, and quite time has been hard to come by. Plus, when I saw the topic for the very first day, I cringed inwardly - PURPOSE. Wow. Really? I'm supposed to write about what I believe about purpose.
Well, here goes. I believe in the purpose of this exercise. I think that clarifying our beliefs, articulating them, stating them out loud, is important. Phenomenologically, my world has shifted significantly in the past few years, and I don't always do a good job of articulating what I truly believe - for lots of reasons.
Purpose is hard for me. Because I am reluctant to say that I believe we all have a specific purpose for our lives, a plan already laid out beforehand that we have to search around in the dark to find. On the other hand, I think every one of us has something to contribute - a purpose. So what do I really believe? I believe that my purpose is to recognize and honor the imprint of the divine in every person I encounter. I believe that my purpose as a therapist is to see and honor the person sitting across from me and be a witness and an encouragement on his or her journey. And I believe that acting with a purpose in mind means that I act intentionally, consciously, making choices -- instead of reacting from an unconscious place. Purpose can only be filled through awareness and intentional action.
So, for the next month, I'm going to try to try to purposefully, intentionally set out some thoughts about what I believe. Here we go......
Well, here goes. I believe in the purpose of this exercise. I think that clarifying our beliefs, articulating them, stating them out loud, is important. Phenomenologically, my world has shifted significantly in the past few years, and I don't always do a good job of articulating what I truly believe - for lots of reasons.
Purpose is hard for me. Because I am reluctant to say that I believe we all have a specific purpose for our lives, a plan already laid out beforehand that we have to search around in the dark to find. On the other hand, I think every one of us has something to contribute - a purpose. So what do I really believe? I believe that my purpose is to recognize and honor the imprint of the divine in every person I encounter. I believe that my purpose as a therapist is to see and honor the person sitting across from me and be a witness and an encouragement on his or her journey. And I believe that acting with a purpose in mind means that I act intentionally, consciously, making choices -- instead of reacting from an unconscious place. Purpose can only be filled through awareness and intentional action.
So, for the next month, I'm going to try to try to purposefully, intentionally set out some thoughts about what I believe. Here we go......
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