Wow, which Renae gets to write this post? I put on a pretty confident front. There are plenty of things I excel at and can have or pretend to have great confidence in doing....
But the reality of the situation is that inside, I am often feeling much less than confident. For example, every time I have to get up in front of a group of people and say ANYTHING - my insides turn into jelly. I often get told I appeared poised and confident - but that just tells me I put on a good front.
Confidence is one of those areas that I've pretty much learned to fake it 'til I make it. And sometimes that's okay, because doing something I am afraid of sometimes gives me some real confidence that I can do it again.
But sometimes, my false front of confidence keeps me from being authentic and real and vulnerable. It makes me hard and defensive. It keeps people from getting close or makes them feel that I could never identify with them and their fears. It isolates me.
But as I own my own voice, and dig deeper into my own self, and figure out what my purpose really is, and live authentically - I become more confident. I'm still scared - a lot - but I'm confident that I can take the next step, do the next required thing, find the next piece to the puzzle. I want to live out of my center so much that I don't need external validation to boost my confidence - but I'm not quite there yet - and the validation from community (like we talked about yesterday) sure does feel nice.
Today - I'm trying to be confident that I will do well on my board exam tomorrow. And I'm trying to be confident that my 7 year old girl scout is big enough to make it at overnight camp on her own.
Wishing you well on your board exam tomorrow. You go, girl! And just two days from now, your "little one" will come home, raving about her fab time at camp! Just you wait and see. xo
ReplyDeleteYou are gonna do great on that exam. I can hardly wait to see your posts on the stories your munchkin tells about her camp adventures.
ReplyDeleteYou said what I was feeling, and you said it better. Maybe we have something in common.
ReplyDeleteHope you rocked your exam, Renae! And I love that you're talking about moving forward with confidence while still having fear. That's what we're working with here, isn't it? Fear's not going anywhere, so we might as well live from purpose courageously and as Ellen's post on the Facebook page said, tend that little spark of confidence until it becomes a flame...heck, maybe it's even a flame that gets some of its fire from fear??? (Since fear's not going anywhere, we might as well find a good use for it!) :)
ReplyDeleteI really appreciate the honesty of this post. Thank you!
Lovely post Renae! And I wonder if a belly that turns to jelly means you are not confident. Could it be that you are being authentic in being up there, and still feeling fear, but doing it anyway? I'd say it take a pretty confident woman to do that! Maybe confidence is not the absence of fear.... ;)
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