Before Spring

Before spring, everything sleeps.
Trees stand bare, flinging branches skyward, searching for the sun.
Seeds hide silently, waiting for warmth to coax out tender green shoots.
This winter, even here, snow has covered the ground like a blanket.

And I too wait.
Trying to patiently endure cold grey skies.
Hoping for some sun.
Waiting to feel the life surge inside - a burst of energy to spring forth new life.

I see hints of green.
I feel surges of the sap rising.
Words and ideas remain buried, anticipating the right time.
Waiting for spring.

Anxiety and Gratitude

I don't like being in a lull, a slow period, feeling dull and unmotivated. Beyond being down with a cold that continues to linger, I feel generally unmotivated and a bit anxious. Part of it has to do with having a finish line almost in sight but refusing to stand still. I plan. I like to be IN CONTROL. And this shifting end-point makes me feel a bit crazy. So far, no antidote has worked very well. I'm forcing myself to accomplish small things, but finding no spark of motivation in checking off items on my list. My creativity feels dried up and cracked like a set of kid's watercolors unused for too long. My patience runs out before the day does. I feel just a bit off-center, out of kilter, unbalanced.

So I'm going to try a Friday exercise - and see where it takes me. Naming my anxieties and fears paralyzes me. I don't want them out there for the world to see. I don't want someone to look at them and say - "silly, why in the world are you worried about that?" But putting them down in writing helps put them in perspective somehow. So (with some fear and trembling) here I go:

1. Getting my hours in by the deadline to graduate in this quarter
2. Juggling my schedule to try to get those hours in
3. Upsetting my family because of my schedule juggling in the next 6 weeks - including evening meetings and rearranging the start time of my daughter's birthday party
4. Disappointing friends because I'm not spending enough time with them
5. Leaving my kids for 9 days at the end of May
6. Spending money on a trip that is a stretch for me in a lot of ways
7. Graduating - because then I have to DO something
8. Neglecting my family in order to follow my dream
9. Spending money to follow that dream
10. Doing it all without dropping any of the balls

Wow. Okay - by the time I got to 7 or 8 on that list - it hit me. My concerns are all about time and money and the way I choose to allocate them. I feel guilty using either one just for me. Something to chew on here I think.

But the other half of this game is gratitude - possibly an antidote to my recent malaise - and definitely deserving equal air time.

Things I am grateful for:

1. A husband that has unfailing supported me in rewriting my life over the last 3 years. Grad school isn't an easy undertaking, and he has never wavered in his support, going above and beyond to make it possible for me.
2. Professors that believed in me and sometimes saw in me things that I couldn't see in myself.
3. Jeanie - a mentor who has walked me every step of the way, holding my tears, celebrating my successes.
4. Tess - my analyst and the wisest woman I know.
5. Finding my creative outlet in words.
6. Friends who stick by me through thick and thin and who don't keep track of how many times I have to postpone or reschedule.
7. A husband who loves to travel and is adventurous enough to say "let's do it"
8. Two beautiful daughters that bring light and laughter into my life.
9. Wide open possibilities in front of me in the next few years.
10. Enough.

And that last one is what I have to keep in mind. It is enough. I am enough. There is enough to go around. Even when it feels like things are a little out of control. I think that is my mantra for the day. Enough!

Hibernation Part 2

I'm still not moving very fast. Still not completed recovered from my cold. Still lacking the motivation to tackle some of the tasks that need my attention. I am still very much in the ebbing phase of this energy cycle. I think some of it has to do with this "in-between" state I'm in on my professional journey. Biding the time until I can make the next major step. And I could be preparing for that step. But my body and my mind seem to just want to rest.

It is snowing here today. Big beautiful flakes. Piling up on the grass. Hopefully it will stay long enough for the kids to get to build a snowman after school. So maybe I just need to give myself the grace to sit and sip a hot drink, burrow under the covers and take a long nap, give my physical body the time it needs to completely recover, and my mental and emotional energies the chance to recharge.

It's difficult, in this capitalistic society in which we live to consider down time productive. And I waste mine, probably extending the duration, by wondering why I'm not up doing something, being efficient, using my time wisely. But this ebb and flow of energy has a rhythm that demands my attention - and I think maybe there is wisdom hidden here in the down days, if I can just give myself the time to find it.

Hibernation

Hibernating - that's what I've been doing. Pulling in, saving my energy, holing up, moving around slowly in a sleepy daze. The weather here, while not as brutal as in other parts, has been cold, wet and dreary. My body craves the sunshine, but the groundhog says no, I must wait six more weeks. I can't even claim I've been curled up with a good book by a warm fire. I haven't read a thing except for the brief shining interlude lit by reading a draft of a friend's work. I haven't written anything either. Words are like food for me, and somehow this winter mode has me existing on only what is already stored, nothing consumed, nothing produced.

I have a list of to do's that probably should provide some motivation to get moving. But it hasn't. Oh life keeps moving, and I'm taking care of necessary things, barely. But I am not invested in anything. This past week, I've been nursing myself back to health from the brink of a nasty upper respiratory bug that has zapped what little energy I did have.

But while I've been moving in this viscous reality of the winter doldrums, things have been happening. After dreaming last night about dreaming in nightmares of the inability to move or to talk - yes dreaming about a dream - I've finally made a solid decision on something I've been waffling about for a while now. I have found my voice. My decision won't please everyone around me. Some will think I'm taking the easy way out, not giving this endeavor my all. But it is the right decision for me.

So maybe my inertia has been driven less by the seasons and more by this decision making process that has required every ounce of my energy. Simply making the decision hasn't restored my motivation - I haven't acted on the decision yet - and can't until next week. Maybe taking action will spring the lock and let me step out into the sunshine. In the meantime, some REAL sunshine and a hint of spring wouldn't hurt.