Thursday, February 4, 2010


Hibernating - that's what I've been doing. Pulling in, saving my energy, holing up, moving around slowly in a sleepy daze. The weather here, while not as brutal as in other parts, has been cold, wet and dreary. My body craves the sunshine, but the groundhog says no, I must wait six more weeks. I can't even claim I've been curled up with a good book by a warm fire. I haven't read a thing except for the brief shining interlude lit by reading a draft of a friend's work. I haven't written anything either. Words are like food for me, and somehow this winter mode has me existing on only what is already stored, nothing consumed, nothing produced.

I have a list of to do's that probably should provide some motivation to get moving. But it hasn't. Oh life keeps moving, and I'm taking care of necessary things, barely. But I am not invested in anything. This past week, I've been nursing myself back to health from the brink of a nasty upper respiratory bug that has zapped what little energy I did have.

But while I've been moving in this viscous reality of the winter doldrums, things have been happening. After dreaming last night about dreaming in nightmares of the inability to move or to talk - yes dreaming about a dream - I've finally made a solid decision on something I've been waffling about for a while now. I have found my voice. My decision won't please everyone around me. Some will think I'm taking the easy way out, not giving this endeavor my all. But it is the right decision for me.

So maybe my inertia has been driven less by the seasons and more by this decision making process that has required every ounce of my energy. Simply making the decision hasn't restored my motivation - I haven't acted on the decision yet - and can't until next week. Maybe taking action will spring the lock and let me step out into the sunshine. In the meantime, some REAL sunshine and a hint of spring wouldn't hurt.

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