Every Little Step

The journey of a lifetime, of my lifetime, often can only be measured in millimeters. Every step away from the things that constrain me, hold me back, ask me to play small and dumb, bury me requires tremendous effort - more effort than I think I have on some, maybe most, days.

The systems of family, religion, culture, society that like the status quo offer fierce resistance to forward progress. Within the web, I can hold certain positions with ease, weightlessly, effortlessly. I can move around inside this confined space fluidly, gracefully. It's easy. It's dark. It's suffocating.

But move toward light, approach the boundaries and the atmosphere becomes more viscous, thicker, harder to navigate. Movement requires more persistence, more strength. Progress becomes slower and slower, until I'm not sure I'm moving at all - and the pull of the web draws me back, closer to the center.

Every word, every step, every though that takes me out of bounds has to be hard won. Nothing seems easy. Doubt, guilt, fear - no terror - make it nearly impossible to take the next step.

From the outside looking in - and sometimes from the inside looking out - these tiny steps seem ridiculous. Amounting to nothing. Simply no big deal. How can such tiny movements induce such inner turmoil?

A Hero's Journey? I don't know. A journey to what destination? I'm not sure. All I know is that I have to keep moving, bit by tiny bit, toward light, air, freedom. If I don't, I will drown.