Waiting

Waiting tests me, stretches my patience and gives rise to anxiety and doubt.
While I wait, the voices that question my responsibility, my contributions, my intelligence and even my sanity seem to grow louder.
Waiting on the unknown tenses my shoulders and knots my stomach and fogs my brain.
Little things become large.  Grains of sand in my shoes feel like sharp stones.
Indecision and uncertainty threaten to overtake clear thinking.
Wait and worry, worry and wait.

Yet, somewhere, deep down, I know better.
I know that this path I travel stretches out before me.
That by putting one foot in front of the other, before I realize it, around a bend a new vista will appear.
The road I'm traveling now is less treacherous than stretches I've traveled before.
And I have companions walking along with me, keeping my company - as we wait.

So, to bide the time and shake off this inertia I feel while waiting,
I'm making a list of things to do while I wait:

1.  Enjoy the down time without feeling guilty.
2.  Watch a movie alone, in the middle of the day.
3.  Read a book for the sheer pleasure of the words.
4.  Create something.
5.  Organize my music to make it more accessible and available.
6.  Remember.
7.  Declutter.
8.  Connect with friends.
9.  Drink an extra cup of coffee.
10.  Get outside and move.
11.  Garden.
12.  Nap.
13.  Spend one on one time with each of my girls.
14.  Meditate.
15.  Cook healthy meals.
16.  Write.
17.  Clean my house.
18.  Dream.
19.  Enjoy the silence.
20.  Breathe

Funny how I have to remind myself of these things and how the voices clamoring for attention rob me of my ability to focus and enjoy.  The waiting is a gift - if I can simply unwrap it.